Resentment
You know what my least favorite emotion is? Resentment. One, because I’ve never really experienced it or harbored any of it thus far in my life. And two, because it’s a shitty feeling. It’s like this constant pot of simmering water inside me. It’s corrosive and slimy and it’s totally unfair. ... to whomever it is you are harboring said resentment against.
Want to know why, or at least the ‘why’ from my perspective? It’s because you are assuming someone else can read your mind. And while, trust me, that would be sweet (well, sometimes…), it just ain’t possible.
I have no doubt that it has reared its unwanted head in my life as of late because of the shift from non-mom to Kula-mom. While my amazing, handsome, loving husband has not experienced quite the same fundamental shift in his life. Yes, he is an unreal father. Yes, he wants to help and does, a lot. Yes, I love him dearly and unconditionally. But, it’s just not the same. Moms get hit hard by this change, whether we think we had it all figured out beforehand or not (I thought we did... how silly and small of us to think we had any idea of what was coming our way).
I always feel like I have to say this so I don’t come off as some ungrateful monster... Kula is god damn magic. I live for that little Beastie. But that sure as shit doesn’t make the transition any smoother. I get mad easier, I get frustrated quicker, I get overwhelmed way sooner than I ever have before and I get sad too. And, sometimes, a lot of times, instead of just sitting with those feelings for a second, or letting them just pass through me, I hold on to them like little mini weapons. Getting ready to do battle with someone, anyone, most likely my poor unsuspecting husband. Because why?! Because I am not sure what the hell I am doing and my weak side just wants him (because he is closest to me) to be in the same uncertain place that I am living. It’s like, all I want is for someone to just know, out of thin air, what I need, because damnit, they should just know!!!
Well… I know what you are going to say! It’s what my mom, sister, mother-in-law, girlfriends, the internet, any decent therapist would tell me… and get ready for it. This is where the ultimate cliche of all cliches comes in: communication is key. In the heat of the moment I HATE THAT ADVICE!!! It is so much easier to just hang on to those negative emotions for dear life. Being passive aggressive. That is what that is, and it is an easy behavior crutch to become addicted to.
But guess what… hanging on to all that crap makes everything worse. It magnifies situations that could be addressed with a little old fashioned patience and openness. And what I really want is to be an example to Kula that emotions arise for a reason, that they have purpose. But they are not meant to control you, make you mean, harden your heart. And using them as constructive tools is so much more productive then allowing them to break you down or drive wedges between you and those you love most.
Everything is well, so so well. I have been told over and over again not to be so hard on myself, and I am working on that too. If I am not kindest to myself, they how can I possibly pass that gentleness out into the world. And Andrew will always be my partner. My partner in life, in parenthood, partner in crime. But they say marriage takes work, and to that I’d say: being conscious and present parents AND partners to each other… well hell, THAT takes some work. And I’ve decided it’s the work of a lifetime, our lifetime. And you couldn’t catch me doing it with anyone else...
