Rhythm + Flow
The days can seem long but the months are flowing by quicker than I could have imagined. Kula feels like this miniature human now. With the most amazing of personalities beginning to form and take shape. She is funny and silly. But also inquisitive and fierce.
Yet, there are moments I long for the simplicity of life before baby. For my days of dedicated activism, uninterrupted writing and research. Of sleeping in after staying up late reading or laughing with Andrew. Of last minute date nights and wine on whims with my girlfriends. I am struggling with not having the time or mental space to continue my creative pursuits, but then again, those too have shifted as of late. And many of the directions I now want to take my skills and passions are a direct result of having Kula. She has, in fact, become an unexpected inspirational part of my life.
But on another hand, I’ll be honest. I still feel like, over 8 months in, I am not necessarily flowing into the typical space or place of what a ‘mom’ typically means. And I struggle with that, because well hell, I am! But I feel like perhaps, since this was not a path in life I was prepared to take, nor thought I ever would, this whole motherhood thing means something very specific for me, personally. Something more profound than just the act of me raising this little girl. It feels like perhaps my own next big thing (not that becoming a mom wasn’t big enough!) will find its way to me now because of Kula. And it would have been lost out there in the ether if not for her… as if, perhaps, my one big purpose wasn’t going to find its way to me and me to it without the energy and tenacity that Kula has cultivated within me.
I guess it feels like I have been sent this very precious and unique escort. One designed specifically to and for me. I am not here to solely raise a baby. I am here to raise Kula. What exactly she is here to show me, well of course I am still discovering that, but feeling like I have been turned inside out, both mentally and emotionally seems like a decent first step. As if I am receiving a good cosmic scrubbing before the real work begins. I can totally feel that happening… because what I have learned from my past is that the truth does indeed emerge from experience. And the blood, sweat and tears that are borne from the actual doing of the hard stuff, the soul work, may leave you bruised and battered, but it is putting in the time and effort, not shying away from what scares you that makes you better. That leads to the big lessons and the meaningful good stuff that follows. And in the end, you are either walking in the direction of love or the direction of fear. For me, having this baby means that I must, just must, move past the fear, the anxiety, and start fresh. In love, only love. And let’s be honest, you will never fail by loving, that I can promise. You will only lose by holding back. So… I think I have no choice but to choose love…
Because being a mother is immense. An experience vast enough that I must discover my own rhythm and flow and begin to understand and assimilate the deep and beautiful magic of this whole thing. I may not now, nor ever, feel like a ‘mom’ in that traditional sense of the word, but if nothing else, I am Kula’s guide. And I get to learn a whole new way of approaching life and relationships, of relaxing expectations and flowing into the present moment to be here, right now, with her. And I guess this is just the next, perhaps deepest, piece of my current journey. Of learning to lean back, let go and start to trust that this is my path. Because, in fact, evolution is quite literally in our blood. It is what makes us amazing creatures capable of compassion and empathy and deep deep deep love. And as Marianne Williamson says in one of her more famous quotes, we are, very much so, more powerful than we could ever imagine.
So, while of course I understand the ‘it takes a village’ concept in raising a child, it is an unbelievable change in lifestyle and level of pressure that most of us have never even dreamed of experiencing. But I also think we forget that when we push ourselves beyond our comfort zones, through the anxiety, past the scary and hard and trying moments, we get to emerge on the other side better then when we started. We are stronger for having tested our limits, for pushing our edges, for proving to ourselves that we can do anything, be anything, get through anything. And when you don’t, when you don’t put in that time and effort and test those deep down soul parts, well shit... I guess I’m not sure I see the point in doing it at all. How can you find, or unearth, your true grit if you don’t truly try?!
This is of course just my opinion, because in the end it is all a deeply personal journey. But I will say this: the greater the input, the deeper and oh so much sweeter the reward. I wouldn’t have traded one second of my time with Kula to this point. Not one sleepless night or any hair pulling unknowns. Because now I know what I can do, I know what I am capable of if pushed. And that has been the greatest of gifts so far… well that, AND getting to spend my days with this cute little Beastie!
“You have to know what you want. And if it seems to take you off the track, don’t hold back. Because perhaps that is instinctively where you want to be. And if you hold back and try to be always where you have been before, you will go dry.”