August 09, 2020 by Erin Brown

Now I Begin

Thinking about it now I feel there are different moments when a woman might perhaps be able to put a finger on when they, personally, felt the true shift into motherhood. Perchance it’s when they find out they’re pregnant, maybe when they give birth, even when your child takes their first steps. There are so many points in time that light up the heart in different ways and have the ability to outweigh all the other thoughts that may move through your head about life before kiddo… more ‘me’ time, seeking self-care, tempering exhaustion, all the daily realities that come with having a little one.

I have been very honest about my personal journey with motherhood and Kula. I have struggled massively with the change, both in my life and my relationship with Andrew. And I am not, nor have ever been, ashamed of having those reflections, doubts, issues. But I will say now, after what we all went through this last week, I have never had my heart completely and utterly broken the way it was when that ER doctor came into our room and said they found a mass on Kula’s kidney. In fact, it was way bigger than that, more like a combination of falling backwards into a blackhole while also being engulfed by every single emotion you have every experienced, all in that one instant. I am still struggling to put it into words, but maybe like floating in a void while also feeling the weight of absolutely everything. My world stopped then and there. No doubt about that. Because clearly this is not what happens to ME, to Kula, to this family. No. NO.

Since that moment, I have been on nothing short of a rollercoaster ride of immense emotions. The constant unknowns, the possibilities, the not so great news, the good news, the scariest moments of my life have occurred over the last seven days. And I feel as if I have experienced an entire lifetime; waiting, crying, hoping, wishing. And now… now I know the significance of what I am doing here, with Kula, as a mother.

A mother feels everything, deeply and profoundly. As if your own heart is lying out there on that hospital bed. As if the aggregate of what even matters resides in that little body. Nothing else is relevant. Not my own grappling with change or time or space. But only her. She is everything to me. And that idea, of being both completely selfless and totally grounded in yourself, has been thrust upon me in a way I never imagined it would. Yet here I am.

Our focus as a nuclear family as well as an extended family has shifted over the course of these last multiple days. We need each other, now more than ever. And nothing frivolous can come in the way of getting Kula healthy and back to her life. And so that is what we will all do, as a unit. I have had to fight and flail and cry and crumble all the while be the rock that Kula needs the most. And if that is not the most extreme push into learning how to be truly focused, truly connected, truly present for your child, I don’t know what is…

My heart literally broke into a million pieces last week. But what choice do I have but to pick up every single one of them, and built up a new life, our new life, and make it into our new world. There is nothing like a trauma to remind you how much people care, how wide that support goes and how strong you can be even in the face of the scariest situation you have ever called your reality.

I have found it profoundly powerful to discover this deep-rooted, innate courage, a built-in bravery that I have been able to tap into. And maybe it’s true that you cannot test courage cautiously, but instead through being fearless. Women are warriors, god damn compassionate warriors. And may this assist us in moving through the places and situations that genuinely scare us. And not all positive change feels all that positive in the beginning. But I guess now I know, more that ever, that we can do the hard things, the impossible things, all the things that matter most.

“We all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both trickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

April 20, 2020 by Erin Brown

Self-Care Crisis

Even before this pandemic hit, I felt like there was this low-level rumbling of what I am now dubbing a ‘mommy self-care crisis’. It was social media post after post, lengthy op-ed articles and chats with other mothers on the topic of how desperate they felt for ‘alone time’, or a better ‘self-care plan’, that made me realize women were feeling new pressures to ‘take care’ of themselves. And I mean, I’m not immune to this thinking. I have felt overwhelming desperation for a mental break, a moment or two of pure silence, a chance to reset and refocus to rejoin my family in a healthier mindset. So, on one hand, I believe it critical for women, mothers specifically, to create space all for themselves. Then, on the other, I was beginning to feel like ‘self-care’ was now yet another item on a daily to-do list, one that was, even pre-pandemic, getting fuller and fuller by the day.

In fact, I was continually reading about this (perceived) urgent need, and subsequent long list of recommendations, for mothers to remember that they should never forget to prioritize themselves. Make sure you’re staying on top of reading and go get pampered now and again and take those hikes and plan some wine nights with girlfriends, oh and never lose focus of your art/craft/creative outlets. I was starting to get a little fumed. All you mommas out there know what I mean… would I love to put myself first everyday? Sure. Did I do that for most of my pre-Kula life? Yeah, pretty much. Is my life different now, with a husband and a toddler and two dogs and two cats and a job and a household to manage!? Well… holy fuck, yes it is.

The days when ‘self-care’ was what I may have referred to as just ‘my life’ are long in the rear-view mirror. I am perfectly fine with reminiscing about those bygone days, when all I had to worry about were work, what hike or bike to take or what fun evening plans I could put together. But, do I miss them? I used to, when Kula was much younger. But now, life has shifted, and in a good way. In turn, self-care has taken on more reasonable expectations, and in turn, is just not at the top of my to-do list.

But if you look at the flip side, should it be? Is that something mothers should be waking up worrying about, feeling bad about, fretting over, doing all sorts of planning gymnastics to try and squeeze in to an already packed calendar. I suppose that is up to the individual, the structure they have in their home and the amount of child-care assistance they have at their disposal. But I think the real rub for me is that this line of thinking lends itself to feeling pressure to take time for yourself. As if not participating in daily self-care has suddenly become a bad thing, something you should feel lousy about (either doing or not doing!), something your missing out on… And for me, this is a problem! A mini societal burden of sorts has emerged. This idea that moms can (and should??) want to have it all, but then also now we’re ‘required’ to snatch back any moment we can for ourselves, even when your life just might not be built like that anymore…

My timing could be off a touch, but I feel like the cohort of moms right before me where smack in the middle of the pressure cooker of wanting to be, or feeling almost obligated to be, “super moms”. While it is awesome that the world of motherhood has became one of unlimited potential, the dark side to all that so-called freedom, and perhaps expectation too, is that mom’s are just plain overwhelmed. It’s as if we are also in the midst of a Mommy Guilt Crisis too… Be the best mom, be the best career women, be the most excellent wife/partner, be well-read and creative and on top of all that, make sure to take time for yourself every. single. day.

I literally need a drink just thinking about trying to fit all that in…

Ok, so getting right along to my actual point here… After doing a bit of thinking on this topic I believe that what this whole self-care obsession is really about, or rather should be focused on instead, is establishing a deep connection between taking care of yourself (this has MANY definitions and iterations, by the way…), full and true self-acceptance coupled with non-judgement.

In this age of social media, and FOMO and endless recourses from ‘experts’, it’s that non-judgement piece that really requires our focus. I mean, if you are not judging yourself, nor comparing yourself to others, why in the world would you feel any mom guilt at all?! Because, really, if you are doing your best and being true to yourself, then fully accepting who you are becoming as a mother, you are increasingly able to tune in to your actual, inner needs and wants vs those that are thrust upon us, daily. Plus, you know your family better than anyone else, you know what works and doesn’t, what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. If you don’t need the time alone everyday and being with your little one(s) fills you up, GOOD! Do that.

And if you stop letting YOU judge YOU, than I think what you’ll end up finding is that everything you are already doing is perfectly right! We need to make our way back to trusting and relying on our own intuition. And maybe just maybe, if you flip it on it’s head, all that societal pressure is really present because EVERYONE knows women are capable beyond comprehension. You should never need a book, or an expert, or any influencer on Instagram to tell you that…

To me the goal of creating a life that is full and rich and meaningful is NOT to escape the difficulty, the pressure, but to feel your way right on through it all. So while I need time to breathe and exercise and create, what I also need is to BE in this life. And no amount of escapist-style ‘self-care’ is going to reliably help anyone figure out the pressure cooker that is motherhood. But being present, being vulnerable, being open, that is what is going to lead you deeper into this life, your life. So, if a couple, few, multiple hours a week away ensures that you are the most authentic version of yourself, please do it. But also know that just because other people are saying it, it doesn’t have to ring true for you. Withdrawal is not the answer here, making sure you don’t miss the hard stuff along the way, that seems to be the path forward. At least that’s what my intuition is telling me…

“That is what I can and must avoid:
missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process.”

— Glennon Doyle

(Side Note: Here I go giving my personal opinion on what people should add to their ‘self-care’ regimens… good lord, and after all that… BUT, I do believe the one thing that has kept me sane and grounded is meditation. And not the capitalist co-opt of meditation to increase work flow etc etc. But just 10 minutes a day where you can tune in to your intuition and listen! Listen listen listen to yourself… it is by far and away the wisest creature you are sure to ever meet!)

(Side Side Note: If you have more time to read, I actually wrote something about MY very own intuition… I’m sure any one who knows me will not be surprised, she's a wolf! Check it out under my Writing section: The Untamed )

April 10, 2019 by Erin Brown

Rhythm + Flow

The days can seem long but the months are flowing by quicker than I could have imagined. Kula feels like this miniature human now. With the most amazing of personalities beginning to form and take shape. She is funny and silly. But also inquisitive and fierce.

Yet, there are moments I long for the simplicity of life before baby. For my days of dedicated activism, uninterrupted writing and research. Of sleeping in after staying up late reading or laughing with Andrew. Of last minute date nights and wine on whims with my girlfriends. I am struggling with not having the time or mental space to continue my creative pursuits, but then again, those too have shifted as of late. And many of the directions I now want to take my skills and passions are a direct result of having Kula. She has, in fact, become an unexpected inspirational part of my life.

But on another hand, I’ll be honest. I still feel like, over 8 months in, I am not necessarily flowing into the typical space or place of what a ‘mom’ typically means. And I struggle with that, because well hell, I am! But I feel like perhaps, since this was not a path in life I was prepared to take, nor thought I ever would, this whole motherhood thing means something very specific for me, personally. Something more profound than just the act of me raising this little girl. It feels like perhaps my own next big thing (not that becoming a mom wasn’t big enough!) will find its way to me now because of Kula. And it would have been lost out there in the ether if not for her… as if, perhaps, my one big purpose wasn’t going to find its way to me and me to it without the energy and tenacity that Kula has cultivated within me.

I guess it feels like I have been sent this very precious and unique escort. One designed specifically to and for me. I am not here to solely raise a baby. I am here to raise Kula. What exactly she is here to show me, well of course I am still discovering that, but feeling like I have been turned inside out, both mentally and emotionally seems like a decent first step. As if I am receiving a good cosmic scrubbing before the real work begins. I can totally feel that happening… because what I have learned from my past is that the truth does indeed emerge from experience. And the blood, sweat and tears that are borne from the actual doing of the hard stuff, the soul work, may leave you bruised and battered, but it is putting in the time and effort, not shying away from what scares you that makes you better. That leads to the big lessons and the meaningful good stuff that follows. And in the end, you are either walking in the direction of love or the direction of fear. For me, having this baby means that I must, just must, move past the fear, the anxiety, and start fresh. In love, only love. And let’s be honest, you will never fail by loving, that I can promise. You will only lose by holding back. So… I think I have no choice but to choose love…

Because being a mother is immense. An experience vast enough that I must discover my own rhythm and flow and begin to understand and assimilate the deep and beautiful magic of this whole thing. I may not now, nor ever, feel like a ‘mom’ in that traditional sense of the word, but if nothing else, I am Kula’s guide. And I get to learn a whole new way of approaching life and relationships, of relaxing expectations and flowing into the present moment to be here, right now, with her. And I guess this is just the next, perhaps deepest, piece of my current journey. Of learning to lean back, let go and start to trust that this is my path. Because, in fact, evolution is quite literally in our blood. It is what makes us amazing creatures capable of compassion and empathy and deep deep deep love. And as Marianne Williamson says in one of her more famous quotes, we are, very much so, more powerful than we could ever imagine.

So, while of course I understand the ‘it takes a village’ concept in raising a child, it is an unbelievable change in lifestyle and level of pressure that most of us have never even dreamed of experiencing. But I also think we forget that when we push ourselves beyond our comfort zones, through the anxiety, past the scary and hard and trying moments, we get to emerge on the other side better then when we started. We are stronger for having tested our limits, for pushing our edges, for proving to ourselves that we can do anything, be anything, get through anything. And when you don’t, when you don’t put in that time and effort and test those deep down soul parts, well shit... I guess I’m not sure I see the point in doing it at all. How can you find, or unearth, your true grit if you don’t truly try?!

This is of course just my opinion, because in the end it is all a deeply personal journey. But I will say this: the greater the input, the deeper and oh so much sweeter the reward. I wouldn’t have traded one second of my time with Kula to this point. Not one sleepless night or any hair pulling unknowns. Because now I know what I can do, I know what I am capable of if pushed. And that has been the greatest of gifts so far… well that, AND getting to spend my days with this cute little Beastie!

“You have to know what you want. And if it seems to take you off the track, don’t hold back. Because perhaps that is instinctively where you want to be. And if you hold back and try to be always where you have been before, you will go dry.”

— Gertrude Stein

February 18, 2019 by Erin Brown

Resentment

You know what my least favorite emotion is? Resentment. One, because I’ve never really experienced it or harbored any of it thus far in my life. And two, because it’s a shitty feeling. It’s like this constant pot of simmering water inside me. It’s corrosive and slimy and it’s totally unfair. ... to whomever it is you are harboring said resentment against.

Want to know why, or at least the ‘why’ from my perspective? It’s because you are assuming someone else can read your mind. And while, trust me, that would be sweet (well, sometimes…), it just ain’t possible.

I have no doubt that it has reared its unwanted head in my life as of late because of the shift from non-mom to Kula-mom. While my amazing, handsome, loving husband has not experienced quite the same fundamental shift in his life. Yes, he is an unreal father. Yes, he wants to help and does, a lot. Yes, I love him dearly and unconditionally. But, it’s just not the same. Moms get hit hard by this change, whether we think we had it all figured out beforehand or not (I thought we did... how silly and small of us to think we had any idea of what was coming our way).

I always feel like I have to say this so I don’t come off as some ungrateful monster... Kula is god damn magic. I live for that little Beastie. But that sure as shit doesn’t make the transition any smoother. I get mad easier, I get frustrated quicker, I get overwhelmed way sooner than I ever have before and I get sad too. And, sometimes, a lot of times, instead of just sitting with those feelings for a second, or letting them just pass through me, I hold on to them like little mini weapons. Getting ready to do battle with someone, anyone, most likely my poor unsuspecting husband. Because why?! Because I am not sure what the hell I am doing and my weak side just wants him (because he is closest to me) to be in the same uncertain place that I am living. It’s like, all I want is for someone to just know, out of thin air, what I need, because damnit, they should just know!!!

Well… I know what you are going to say! It’s what my mom, sister, mother-in-law, girlfriends, the internet, any decent therapist would tell me… and get ready for it. This is where the ultimate cliche of all cliches comes in: communication is key. In the heat of the moment I HATE THAT ADVICE!!! It is so much easier to just hang on to those negative emotions for dear life. Being passive aggressive. That is what that is, and it is an easy behavior crutch to become addicted to.

But guess what… hanging on to all that crap makes everything worse. It magnifies situations that could be addressed with a little old fashioned patience and openness. And what I really want is to be an example to Kula that emotions arise for a reason, that they have purpose. But they are not meant to control you, make you mean, harden your heart. And using them as constructive tools is so much more productive then allowing them to break you down or drive wedges between you and those you love most.

Everything is well, so so well. I have been told over and over again not to be so hard on myself, and I am working on that too. If I am not kindest to myself, they how can I possibly pass that gentleness out into the world. And Andrew will always be my partner. My partner in life, in parenthood, partner in crime. But they say marriage takes work, and to that I’d say: being conscious and present parents AND partners to each other… well hell, THAT takes some work. And I’ve decided it’s the work of a lifetime, our lifetime. And you couldn’t catch me doing it with anyone else...

February 15, 2019 by Erin Brown

Pivot Point

But let’s be honest, the ‘old’ me is gone. I felt her on her way out when I got pregnant. And I waved a ferocious goodbye to her when Kula officially arrived. That ‘me’ didn’t disappear per say. But she did forever and completely change. And how could she not?! Going through the incredible feat of growing a baby, birthing said baby, breastfeeding and nurturing that baby while also coming to grips with the massive life change both emotionally and mentally is a lot, even for the most capable of us. My body and mind will just never be the same, I did an incredible thing, and there is no turning back.

The entry of ‘motherhood’ on my life’s resume is by no means the last thing that will be listed there, but it is a massive pivot point. A sort of seismic shift in my life, an obvious moment of no return. So grasping at the tendrils, the remainders of my former experience, has little point. Forever more I am inextricably, completely, biologically linked to another human. And this bond will undoubtedly inform every decision I make moving forward.

Intense, yes. Important, yes. Beautiful, way, way, way yes.

So, I’ve decided I must allow the ghost of my old self to dissolve. To melt down, melt away, for if I continually try and make my way back there, to the old version of the me that I knew so well, I will be forever disappointed, unsure, and in constant discord with this new path. And holding on to those small feelings of me, me, me are really just my ego talking. And nothing much magical has ever come from listening to that fool. Because motherhood is undoubtedly the unique work of the soul, that wildish female soul. It is the combined effort of my heart and spirit with a little sprinkle of some otherworldly wisdom.

I’ve been working, on the daily, to come to terms with the fact that if I continue with this futile attempt to chase that dragon, the one that is the old Erin, I will only continue to create internal strife and further suffering. This experience is almost a forced exercise in selflessness. Of putting someone else’s interests ahead of my own. ‘Me’ time, gotta have it, of course. But I’m speaking in the grander sense of the experience. Motherhood is not just some astrix in the book of your life, or so called fork in the road. It is a profound adjustment. A journey with no end. But, perhaps, a journey with greater purpose and magnitude.

And I think if us mommas (hell, us ladies in general) start approaching it from that angle. Start remembering that nothing all that great comes from staying the same, of remaining stagnant in our life’s work. We can not only embrace this total transformation of our lives, we can learn to harness it to help shape a much more conscious and connected version of ourselves. And despite the huge change this has shoved into my life, what I have been searching for, for many years, even before Kula, has been just that… more connection, more meaning, more life in my life.

So for the sake of this new Erin, whomever she turns out to be, I think Kula and I might just ride off into the sunset. Toward our new life, with all it’s fascinating and marvelous twists and turns, as gracefully as we possibly can...

“I feel like motherhood is a choice you make every single day, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being above your own, to teach and learn the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you have no idea what the right thing is... and to forgive yourself, over and over and over again, for feeling like you might be doing it all wrong.”

— Me

January 22, 2019 by Erin Brown

Doing It All

I have no doubt that no matter what day in age you become a mom there are, and were, intense challenges. Be them the dangers of childbirth itself, the societal expectations of being a stay-at-home mom/homemaker, to the difficulties of living far from family and their built in support system. But, at least from my personal perspective, todays moms have it rough (too!). While we have endless freedoms and resources, there are also myriad pressures to be ‘super moms’. We feel these expectations to be amazing, perfect mothers. While also being wives and bread winners and house keepers and support systems. Not that I have one single issue with us ladies wanting to have it all, who the shit wouldn’t? But what I take issue with is achieving that ideal is close to impossible. And not only that, it creates layers of anxieties and feelings of guilt that can weigh even the strongest of us ladies down. And keep in mind, on top of all of that, it’s absolutely crucial that we take some time and make some effort to save a little something for ourselves, you know, in the never ending endeavor to keep sane and balanced.

Before Kula came I pretty much planned on returning to work, full-time, at six weeks postpartum. That’s when I was needed back so that was the deal. Luckily for me, I work for family, so having Kula in tow was expected and not a problem. But let’s be honest here, and I know every baby is different, but between the lack of sleep, the lack of any idea whatsoever of what I was doing with this new baby, and the need to be somewhat present in mind to actually get anything constructive done made for a stressful time. I wanted to get back to work, to do something outside of breastfeeding and changing diapers and doing laundry, but it was hard. And I continually felt a little left behind. A little out of the loop. A little less needed.

So that got me feeling: us modern day moms (see feminists...) are supposed to do it all, want it all, have it all. Our happy partners, our passion filled jobs, our well adjusted, genius, good looking babies on our hips. And while, of course, sure, I’ll take all that any day, it sure ain’t my reality! It’s been an adjustment to say the least... actually that’s putting it a touch too mildly. It’s been more of an ass-kicking, emotional-roller-coaster, come-to-Jesus, sometimes-you’ll-find-me-in-the-fetal-position journey thus far. And the reality is, I get wound up sometimes. With thoughts of ‘I should be doing this and that and the other thing’. Working and cooking and cleaning and have sex with my husband and playing with my baby and calling my grandmother and having wine night with my friends. So sometimes, as the end of the day comes around, I tend to feel like it’s been the shortest, yet longest day of my life.

Yet, part of me feels lucky in a sense. I have never been particularly career oriented. I have never felt the need to have a job that is all consuming or looks good on a resumé. Instead, I would classify myself as more passion focused. I am deeply motivated by doing and acting according to my morals and values. And in turn, those have led me down some very interesting, fulfilling and educational paths. But most of the time, those routes have not been all that lucrative. So, when I had Kula, there was not really a moment when I felt pulled between a high powered job and taking care of her… well, at least in the beginning. That is not to say that I am itching to get back to some 9-5 profession, actually I feel quite fortunate that I have a flexible schedule and get to work from home. But what I am looking for is just a little something more. Something outside of being a mom and a maid. Something that will continue to make me feel like an individual that is still learning and growing in more ways than just motherhood. And I think that is perfectly normal. And should feel perfectly guilt free.

From my mere six months as a mom I can already tell you there are just so many ways and versions, circumstances and ideas, iterations of motherhood that I cannot believe anyone feels the need to judge or compare themselves to others. I’ve just decided that what works best on my end is to ask for advice when needed, reach out with struggling, but mostly know that my version of this looks different than my neighbors, than that women at the grocery store, then that ‘perfect’ mom on instagram (she can’t be a real thing, right…?). I think the best course of action, for me, is to figure this whole thing out my way. What feels true and authentic to my way of life. And I kinda think that should be the motto of sorts for motherhood: you do you, and with a little support, I’ll try and survive my way over here!

And when I think about all of this, I continually return to something my mom said to me one day, and I’m not sure she really knows how profound a piece of advice it was for me... she said: “But Erin, really... what’s more important than being able to be with this little creature?!” I don’t think, per say, she was looking for an explicit answer, it was more of a rhetorical question. But it turns out how I truly felt about that question was really quite simple. Obvious even. My answer was sitting right there, smack in the middle of my heart: Nothing. Absolutely nothing is more important.

So here I am. Still, and most likely continuously, trying to figure out how to be me, but a new version. One who’s priorities have shifted, who’s passions are in fact more intensified, one who wants to be better and bigger and more fully me. Minus all those pesky outside expectations, of course

September 27, 2017 by Erin Brown

The Untamed

I met a wolf once…

Submerged physically in ceremony, yet mind and body hyper aware, she introduced herself to me. We exchanged names, but for the time being that will stay precious between the two of us. As she approached it was immediate. I knew, as if this creature that stood before me were my own flesh, that we’d met before, that we were well acquainted even. Pack mates, soulmates, sisters, family. In fact, it felt as if she were a very part of me. A piece I had long forgotten, moved past, left behind. Yet there she stood, in the most amazing power. It was a moment of fascinating comfort, I couldn’t take my eyes off her, the sense of awe was almost crackling in the air. There wasn't a moment of thought, the ever moving cogs in my brain didn’t even start to whir… instead, it was a profound understanding that she was simply there, always had been, just on the outskirts, in my periphery. Whomever decided it was time for us to reconnect was right, I had missed her and meeting again was everything.

In my mind there is a distinct and marked, ‘before’ and ‘after’ in my life now. As if the world seemed almost flat and the colors muted. Remember those cardboard kaleidoscope toys we used to have as kids?… all those shapes and colors and the more you twisted the more intense the image would become… it was in that moment that the twisting stopped and a magical, intricate and iridescent mosaic in time opened up. We are small, yet purposeful creatures, seemingly constricted by our own brains and circling thoughts. In contrast, this wolf, was anything but confined. In fact, it is through her eyes that I was re-introduced to my innate wild woman self.

Yup. Sounds intense… and it was, all of it. But not the scary kind of intense that jolts you out of your current state of mind in a fractured, incomplete way. Instead it was this wise, knowing, comforting intense, assuring me that everything is going to be ‘ok’, that although this world might seem overwhelming at times, I am right where I’m supposed to be… and if you too are seeking, from a place of truth and honesty, you will find, or more like reconnect, with what your soul already knows.

What I learned during that encounter sticks with me, to my insides, all the way to today. It was a time in my life when I needed, badly, to ‘let go’ and receive what my soul was ready to hear, prepared to process, eager to incorporate into my life moving forward. And universe is so damn wise… When you stop pushing and pulling and just open, you can hear her speaking… right to you. And for me that came in the four-footed form. She showed me exactly what I needed to feel, what I already knew…

Women are inherently strong, powerful, expansive beings. We have a vast capacity to weather storms, experience joy, handle the deepest of heartache and love with no bounds. We have deep connections to one another and with the earth. It is when we forget, when we disconnect from our tribe that we feel weak, alone, small and powerless. Whenever we sense we might break, when our minds say ‘this is all too much’, we must reach out to our pack. They will be there for us… offering and sharing their unlimited energy, compassion and strength. This is how we women tap into that true limitless source of friendship and support. By asking… by finding each other again and reaching out.

Us wild women are always seeking, always sniffing the wind for data, trying to follow our instincts and use our cunning. It is a beautiful thing to be raw and real in this life. Willing to put yourself out there in the act of discovery. This is how we expand, heal, stretch our courage, reacquaint with our bravery and deepen our wisdom. We wild women are all made of the same gritty sinew, the same fearless blood and guts, the same tenacious soul parts. We are all sisters united by the same star dust.

That is what she wanted me to know… that I am never alone. Seasons come and go, moon cycles may pull and bend my energy, but I already have everything I need, right now in this moment. So never doubt, yes question, but never doubt if you are enough. Because we so so are, and much more.

I feel her sometimes, she likes to curl up beside me, calm and confident and courageous. And every time, without fail, I am reminded, more like infused, with her wild spirit, her lone stillness tethered to her deep connection to her surroundings and her tribe. It is then, almost reacting to her very breath, that I am reminded that I too possess those attributes, I too can count on my guts to lead me toward my path. What I know now that I didn’t before is that our spirits are forever, happily intertwined. We are both adventurous souls, graceful creatures, with beauty that carries our shared sense of history and self.

I feel her in my pulse

I feel her in my feet

I feel her in my instinct

She is there when I dance

She is there when I cry

She is there when I connect

She is my intuition.

So… I met a wolf once… and now I know my truth.