Now I Begin
Thinking about it now I feel there are different moments when a woman might perhaps be able to put a finger on when they, personally, felt the true shift into motherhood. Perchance it’s when they find out they’re pregnant, maybe when they give birth, even when your child takes their first steps. There are so many points in time that light up the heart in different ways and have the ability to outweigh all the other thoughts that may move through your head about life before kiddo… more ‘me’ time, seeking self-care, tempering exhaustion, all the daily realities that come with having a little one.
I have been very honest about my personal journey with motherhood and Kula. I have struggled massively with the change, both in my life and my relationship with Andrew. And I am not, nor have ever been, ashamed of having those reflections, doubts, issues. But I will say now, after what we all went through this last week, I have never had my heart completely and utterly broken the way it was when that ER doctor came into our room and said they found a mass on Kula’s kidney. In fact, it was way bigger than that, more like a combination of falling backwards into a blackhole while also being engulfed by every single emotion you have every experienced, all in that one instant. I am still struggling to put it into words, but maybe like floating in a void while also feeling the weight of absolutely everything. My world stopped then and there. No doubt about that. Because clearly this is not what happens to ME, to Kula, to this family. No. NO.
Since that moment, I have been on nothing short of a rollercoaster ride of immense emotions. The constant unknowns, the possibilities, the not so great news, the good news, the scariest moments of my life have occurred over the last seven days. And I feel as if I have experienced an entire lifetime; waiting, crying, hoping, wishing. And now… now I know the significance of what I am doing here, with Kula, as a mother.
A mother feels everything, deeply and profoundly. As if your own heart is lying out there on that hospital bed. As if the aggregate of what even matters resides in that little body. Nothing else is relevant. Not my own grappling with change or time or space. But only her. She is everything to me. And that idea, of being both completely selfless and totally grounded in yourself, has been thrust upon me in a way I never imagined it would. Yet here I am.
Our focus as a nuclear family as well as an extended family has shifted over the course of these last multiple days. We need each other, now more than ever. And nothing frivolous can come in the way of getting Kula healthy and back to her life. And so that is what we will all do, as a unit. I have had to fight and flail and cry and crumble all the while be the rock that Kula needs the most. And if that is not the most extreme push into learning how to be truly focused, truly connected, truly present for your child, I don’t know what is…
My heart literally broke into a million pieces last week. But what choice do I have but to pick up every single one of them, and built up a new life, our new life, and make it into our new world. There is nothing like a trauma to remind you how much people care, how wide that support goes and how strong you can be even in the face of the scariest situation you have ever called your reality.
I have found it profoundly powerful to discover this deep-rooted, innate courage, a built-in bravery that I have been able to tap into. And maybe it’s true that you cannot test courage cautiously, but instead through being fearless. Women are warriors, god damn compassionate warriors. And may this assist us in moving through the places and situations that genuinely scare us. And not all positive change feels all that positive in the beginning. But I guess now I know, more that ever, that we can do the hard things, the impossible things, all the things that matter most.
“We all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both trickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.”