Self-Care Crisis
Even before this pandemic hit, I felt like there was this low-level rumbling of what I am now dubbing a ‘mommy self-care crisis’. It was social media post after post, lengthy op-ed articles and chats with other mothers on the topic of how desperate they felt for ‘alone time’, or a better ‘self-care plan’, that made me realize women were feeling new pressures to ‘take care’ of themselves. And I mean, I’m not immune to this thinking. I have felt overwhelming desperation for a mental break, a moment or two of pure silence, a chance to reset and refocus to rejoin my family in a healthier mindset. So, on one hand, I believe it critical for women, mothers specifically, to create space all for themselves. Then, on the other, I was beginning to feel like ‘self-care’ was now yet another item on a daily to-do list, one that was, even pre-pandemic, getting fuller and fuller by the day.
In fact, I was continually reading about this (perceived) urgent need, and subsequent long list of recommendations, for mothers to remember that they should never forget to prioritize themselves. Make sure you’re staying on top of reading and go get pampered now and again and take those hikes and plan some wine nights with girlfriends, oh and never lose focus of your art/craft/creative outlets. I was starting to get a little fumed. All you mommas out there know what I mean… would I love to put myself first everyday? Sure. Did I do that for most of my pre-Kula life? Yeah, pretty much. Is my life different now, with a husband and a toddler and two dogs and two cats and a job and a household to manage!? Well… holy fuck, yes it is.
The days when ‘self-care’ was what I may have referred to as just ‘my life’ are long in the rear-view mirror. I am perfectly fine with reminiscing about those bygone days, when all I had to worry about were work, what hike or bike to take or what fun evening plans I could put together. But, do I miss them? I used to, when Kula was much younger. But now, life has shifted, and in a good way. In turn, self-care has taken on more reasonable expectations, and in turn, is just not at the top of my to-do list.
But if you look at the flip side, should it be? Is that something mothers should be waking up worrying about, feeling bad about, fretting over, doing all sorts of planning gymnastics to try and squeeze in to an already packed calendar. I suppose that is up to the individual, the structure they have in their home and the amount of child-care assistance they have at their disposal. But I think the real rub for me is that this line of thinking lends itself to feeling pressure to take time for yourself. As if not participating in daily self-care has suddenly become a bad thing, something you should feel lousy about (either doing or not doing!), something your missing out on… And for me, this is a problem! A mini societal burden of sorts has emerged. This idea that moms can (and should??) want to have it all, but then also now we’re ‘required’ to snatch back any moment we can for ourselves, even when your life just might not be built like that anymore…
My timing could be off a touch, but I feel like the cohort of moms right before me where smack in the middle of the pressure cooker of wanting to be, or feeling almost obligated to be, “super moms”. While it is awesome that the world of motherhood has became one of unlimited potential, the dark side to all that so-called freedom, and perhaps expectation too, is that mom’s are just plain overwhelmed. It’s as if we are also in the midst of a Mommy Guilt Crisis too… Be the best mom, be the best career women, be the most excellent wife/partner, be well-read and creative and on top of all that, make sure to take time for yourself every. single. day.
I literally need a drink just thinking about trying to fit all that in…
Ok, so getting right along to my actual point here… After doing a bit of thinking on this topic I believe that what this whole self-care obsession is really about, or rather should be focused on instead, is establishing a deep connection between taking care of yourself (this has MANY definitions and iterations, by the way…), full and true self-acceptance coupled with non-judgement.
In this age of social media, and FOMO and endless recourses from ‘experts’, it’s that non-judgement piece that really requires our focus. I mean, if you are not judging yourself, nor comparing yourself to others, why in the world would you feel any mom guilt at all?! Because, really, if you are doing your best and being true to yourself, then fully accepting who you are becoming as a mother, you are increasingly able to tune in to your actual, inner needs and wants vs those that are thrust upon us, daily. Plus, you know your family better than anyone else, you know what works and doesn’t, what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. If you don’t need the time alone everyday and being with your little one(s) fills you up, GOOD! Do that.
And if you stop letting YOU judge YOU, than I think what you’ll end up finding is that everything you are already doing is perfectly right! We need to make our way back to trusting and relying on our own intuition. And maybe just maybe, if you flip it on it’s head, all that societal pressure is really present because EVERYONE knows women are capable beyond comprehension. You should never need a book, or an expert, or any influencer on Instagram to tell you that…
To me the goal of creating a life that is full and rich and meaningful is NOT to escape the difficulty, the pressure, but to feel your way right on through it all. So while I need time to breathe and exercise and create, what I also need is to BE in this life. And no amount of escapist-style ‘self-care’ is going to reliably help anyone figure out the pressure cooker that is motherhood. But being present, being vulnerable, being open, that is what is going to lead you deeper into this life, your life. So, if a couple, few, multiple hours a week away ensures that you are the most authentic version of yourself, please do it. But also know that just because other people are saying it, it doesn’t have to ring true for you. Withdrawal is not the answer here, making sure you don’t miss the hard stuff along the way, that seems to be the path forward. At least that’s what my intuition is telling me…
“That is what I can and must avoid:
missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process.”
(Side Note: Here I go giving my personal opinion on what people should add to their ‘self-care’ regimens… good lord, and after all that… BUT, I do believe the one thing that has kept me sane and grounded is meditation. And not the capitalist co-opt of meditation to increase work flow etc etc. But just 10 minutes a day where you can tune in to your intuition and listen! Listen listen listen to yourself… it is by far and away the wisest creature you are sure to ever meet!)
(Side Side Note: If you have more time to read, I actually wrote something about MY very own intuition… I’m sure any one who knows me will not be surprised, she's a wolf! Check it out under my Writing section: The Untamed )
